Obviously, nobody wants to see jobs disappear. But nobody wants their kid to be served a burger that’s 25% pink slime for lunch at school, either.
This isn’t the first slime-related controversy to sweep the country. Since the 1980s, the TV channel Nickelodeon has been dumping green slime on any game show participant who utters the phrase, “I don’t know.” Just listen to the stress it was causing these mullet-headed kids in 1984:
I wasn’t aware of the slime debate in 1984 for a couple of reasons. First, I wasn’t born. Second, even after I was born and of the Nickelodeon-watching age, my parents didn’t allow me to watch You Can’t Do That On Television, the most slime-happy show of all. Apparently, they deemed the dumping of slime on unsuspecting kids to be inappropriate.
If only American supermarkets had the discretion of my parents. When it comes to slime consumption, most chains seem to have had the parental controls disabled until this past week. Yes, this type of slime is pink, not green. (And yes, this analogy is getting a little out of hand.) But I’d much rather accidentally ingest the green Nickelodeon stuff, which is apparently just a combination of water, Jell-O powder, and flour.
It’s my hope that this pink slime scandal will result in individual Americans evaluating their meat-purchasing decisions and coming to the conclusion that buying ground beef from Who Knows Where is just not worth it.
Maybe they’ll cut back on their meat consumption all together. Or maybe they’ll start spending a few extra dollars to buy meat from local ranches. I just don’t know! (Cue green slime.)