Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Meghan, Post-Veghan


Exactly a year ago, I decided to become a vegan. I was motivated by my environmental and economic beliefs, and by what promised to be a challenge. I was excited for what I saw as a lifelong adventure ahead of me.

But I knew I was taking a risk by adhering to a diet that would require me to restrict my food intake. I suffered from a pretty gnarly eating disorder during college, and even though I’ve had a healthy relationship with food for over five years, I knew I’d have to take careful note of any weird habits that seemed to be resurfacing.

Well, a few weeks ago, my roommate Erin had some friends over for dinner. They were going to have homemade pizza; though Erin encouraged me to hang out at the house and be social, she apologized that the pizza dough wasn’t vegan. I said I’d just go to a coffee shop and get some writing done rather than join them for dinner. As I walked to the coffee shop, I became aware of a disturbing feeling. I was glad the pizza wasn’t vegan because it meant I couldn’t eat it, and thus I didn’t have to eat dinner.

I could skip dinner and nobody would notice. That thought might seem inconsequential, but it was a huge red flag for me. It was an impulse to use my very public veganism to mask a very secret anxiety about food.

When similarly unhealthy thoughts popped into my head in the following weeks, I took note. And I decided that while veganism has been conducive to my physical health (and the physical health of countless animals, I like to think), at this point in my life, it was threatening to my mental health. I like food. I want to keep liking food. And sticking to any kind of restrictive diet is not the best decision for me.

Emphasis on for me. I am not suggesting, in any way, that veganism is an eating disorder, or that vegans develop eating disorders any more frequently than anyone else. In some cases, though, veganism and vegetarianism can be used as a cover for an eating disorder; Canada’s National Eating Disorder Information Centre published this article about it a couple years ago. (For more about eating disorders in general, visit http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org.)

I knew that Meghan the Veghan would have to become Meghan the Post-Veghan. But I wanted to continue to eat in a way that reflects my environmental and economic concerns. And it’s not like I could ever get tired of writing about myself...

So from now on, I’m going to do my best to buy local groceries, eat at restaurants that use local ingredients (there are a ton of them around Santa Barbara), and learn as much about my food as possible. And I’m going to blog about it. I hope my followers, vegan and non-vegan, will continue to support me! I know this post has been kind of a downer, but I’ll be back to myself once I get writing about my adventures in local eating.

By “local,” I mean food that I could feasibly go get for myself (and I don’t mean by walking to the supermarket). There is a farmer’s market almost every day of the week here in Santa Barbara, so it will be pretty easy to get local groceries. I might even start a little garden (or I might just mooch some produce from my landlady’s garden; I haven’t decided).

It’s been a good year. But as much as I’ve enjoyed my vegan adventure, I have missed eating certain things. And by “certain things,” I mean bacon.

28 comments:

  1. Hi Meghan,

    I have been following your blog for a while now and have really enjoyed it! I am really happy that you have decided to listen to your body/mind and do what is right for you. I am a firm believer that being a 'vegan' or a 'vegetarian' isn't what makes a difference in the world, it is the accumulation of small decisions which you can make without being 100% vegan.

    Good luck and I look forward to future posts!

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  2. Takes a strong person to make decisions like these - I am proud of you!

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  3. Inspiring choice! I am even more of a superfan :)

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  4. My thoughts exactly Vic -- M, I'm so proud of you for taking care of yourself!! And for how much of a baller cook you have become in the past year :) Be healthy, my love!

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  5. It's a shame that you feel that you need to eat bacon or any meat so that you don't have a restricted diet. Being an ex-vegan surely you understand that that animal is being killed for your food, so it's not really fair? (in my opinion anyway)

    I thought California was quite a vegan friendly place, but I haven't been so I don't really know. Where I live is very un-vegan friendly, yet I get round it :-/

    I feel that perhaps you should seek help from a counsellor or something that can help you get around your issues, if veganism is something that is really important to you?

    Obviously it's down to you at the end of the day :-) but being a vegan myself (for the animals and the environment) I had to say something. Also the more vegans there are in the world, the more people will become vegan and make it easier :-) x

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    1. I think Meghan did an excellent job of explaining why restricting her diet can and did become a slippery slope toward disordered eating. It does not sound at all as though her choice was based on the ease of being vegan in her area. I think its a shame that you seem to want her to stay vegan because it will be easier for you to be one. There are many environmentally friendly ways to enjoy animal products including only eating grass fed, free range animals, and buying organic, and locally grown products, which it sounds like is her plan.

      All the best to you Meghan. I respect your self awareness to make the choice you know is best for your health!

      Amy

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    2. I don't know Meghan in the 'real world' only through Twitter and her blog, so by her deciding not to be vegan anymore has no effect on me whatsoever, so I don't understand why you think her being vegan will make it easier for me to be one??

      and no, there aren't environmentally friendly ways to enjoy eating meat, the most environmentally friendly diet is a vegan one, I'm sorry, but it's a fact. Statistics have shown that a meat eater riding a pushbike does more damage to the environment than a vegan driving a Hummer.

      It's up to Meghan what she wants to do, of course, but feeling the way she did about eating meat, I'm surprised she would go back to it is all, and especially boast about eating bacon.

      The best thing for Meghan to do about her eating disorder is to see a counsellor, which is what I did.

      I wish you well Meghan and hope you can beat your eating disorder, I really do, but if you feel strongly about being a vegan, please see a counsellor. You CAN overcome it and still be a vegan if you want too :-) xx

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    3. Thanks, Amy.

      Kate, for the record, I am not CURRENTLY suffering from this eating disorder. I feel quite mentally healthy, and I am pretty sure the types of thoughts I noticed occur to most people at some point or another, and those people never develop eating disorders. It's just a slippery slope, especially given my history, and I saw myself starting to slide down the beginning of it so I made a change before it became problematic. Thanks for your concern.

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  6. Very mature, MeghanThePostVeghan. Come to DC and we'll eat some shahk steaks.

    -pg

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  7. Lurker here and enjoy your youtube vids, etc. Very pretty too! I follow the Dr. Fuhrman diet with great success. Less animal protein, if any, more beans and greens. Became a locovore last year with continued success. Do what is right FOR YOU and not be shamed by the elites. Go girl!
    mb in Reno

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  8. Awww... no more meghan the veghan? Oohh....shoot. well, I don't think veganism is restricted. I always thought you had so much fun especially since you would eat more freely than I. I am a gluten free, starch free, high fructose corn syrup free vegan. I think it's quite stricter but I like it. I think your eating disorder may be there no matter what you eat. So take care of that first then save the world. I'm going to miss having a cool vegan friend like you. But thanks for the vegan inspiration. -jenssy

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  9. Meghan-

    As a vegan, I'm sad you gave it up. But I have the greatest respect for you for making what must have been an incredibly difficult decision to eat meat again. The fact that you recognized a problem and made the best & most mature choice says a lot about you. Best of luck!

    -Hilary

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  10. Very interesting and very honest. I am looking forward to reading your new adventures!
    Gilles

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    1. Thanks, Gilles! It was so great to see you last weekend in San Francisco - give Chris my love :)

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  11. Good for you! I'm also a post-vegan and post-eating disordered person, and I think it's really wonderful that you're listening to your body as well as your mind and taking care of yourself accordingly. I've noticed in the past that some vegans can get a little bit vicious when one of their own "leaves the fold," as it were, so stay confident in your decision no matter what kind of criticism you get. Enjoy exploring your new food options!

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  12. Meghan, Wishing you all good things, always.
    I admire and respect your ability to be reflective about your life decisions and your health. You are generous to share your experiences. I enjoyed reading Megan-the-vegan and look forward to Megan-post-vegan!

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    1. Thank you, Linda! I'm so glad you've been following my blog. I hope all is well (and not too crazy with wedding planning!) - maybe I will see you this summer when I'm home :)

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  13. Meghan,

    I've only been following your blog for a couple months so I might not feel as close to you as some of your other followers... but I can surely relate to you. I had an eating disorder in high school. Being a vegetarian was an easy out in many situations. I made the choice to temporarily go back to eating meat (although at first it was hard and at times gross to me) and just not worrying about food made it easier to overcome my eating disorder. I do feel that an eating disorder is a life long battle. Years later, and now that I am vegan I am happier and healthier than ever. I was worried my obsessive tenancies would return but, because I NEVER feel guilty about what I eat as long as it is vegan- I actually could care less about fat content or calories. It's been the best decision for me! I hope everything works out for you :)Maybe you will be able to be vegan again someday.
    -Emily
    www.runningonveg.blogspot.com

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  14. After a year of eating a plant based diet, I'm really surprised that you think of it as a restrictive diet. As your blog post suggests, the restriction you felt was social. It can feel restrictive to be the lone vegan at the party, but less restrictive than being a pig on her way to the slaughterhouse, I would imagine. Your blog was interesting to me because it was fun to follow a new vegan as she discovered the wonderful world of vegan food, just as veganism is exploding and our options are multiplying daily. I have no interest in following you on your return to the status quo.

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    1. Thanks for commenting, Robin. I'm sorry to hear I'll be losing you as a reader!

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  15. Meghan,

    While I have never been a vegan, I have had an eating disorder. Recognizing the warning signs and responding accordingly is the best way to prevent a relapse into old habits. There are many people who have never been down that road and don't realize how easy it can be to slip back to it. I applaud you both for your self-awareness and your strength.

    Unfortunately some people like Robin will be unable to understand or respect your choice. But I very much look forward to seeing where you you take this blog. Locavorism (maybe not a word, idk) is definitely not a "return to the status quo."

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  16. YOU ROCK MY SOCKS OFF! I LOVE YOU!!! HEART XXX

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  17. I read this and I respect your decision and as a Vegan I am so proud that you tried being vegan, the year you spent as a vegan was good for the environment and good for your physical health. I am sure your stint as a vegan will affect you decisions for years to come and you will help change other people to be healthier more environmentally friendly beings.

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  18. While I support your decision, I still think it's sad. Would you feel better about being vegan if you allowed yourself some flexibility? I think ultimately the vegans who cry because of the deaths of organisms in the air we breath are doing far more harm than good. I've hesitated at times to call myself vegan after devouring a few Krispy Kreme doughnuts, for instance, but ultimately I'm truly vegan 99% of the time. "Vegan Perfection" is a huge deterrent, and isn't the whole point to minimize the suffering of animals? Not "Perfection"? Perfectionism is what made me bulimic many years ago. I went to therapy and finally was convinced that I don't have to be perfect, or even my *best* self all the time. And I still wanted to hurt animals less. Much, much less. I wish the Vegan Police would just frickin' shut up, and compassionate 99%-ers (99% Vegan, let alone 99% of the population!)would show everyone how easy it can be to be almost totally vegan. The difference it would make for the planet would be huge!

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  19. I was vegan for 6 months. I didn't find it restrictive, as it's easy to get around almost any animal based ingredient. I just found that I didn't feel any better physically and certainly not mentally. There were so many soy-based foods that just totally turned me off. I found eating fruit and veg. only with some rice resulted in me eating constantly in huge amounts to reach my daily calorie intake. I turned vegan for medical reasons, and will continue to eat a plant-focal diet but have decided to include eggs, cheese and meat sometimes as that is what is best for me. Not for the animals who will die of course, but for me. I certainly will not be supporting large companies and will only buy local. Hopefully that will reduce the suffering of the animals I eat. Thanks for your wonderful story, it was brave of you to tell everyone and face ridicule :)

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