Senator Jon Kyl Eats Vegans!

A candid shot of Senator Jon Kyl, looking for vegans to eat.

The title of this post is not intended to be a factual statement. (The above photograph isn't actually Jon Kyl, either.)

A few days ago, I had never heard of Senator Jon Kyl, a Republican from Arizona. In the debates leading up to the almost-but-not-quite government shutdown last week, Jon Kyl made the following statement about Planned Parenthood (whose funding was on the chopping block):

He claims that abortions constitute "well over 90% of what Planned Parenthood does." He was just slightly off; according to Planned Parenthood's 2009 Annual Report, abortions in fact make up only 3% of its services. But politicians lie all the time. The real shocker came when, confronted about this blatant lie, Kyl's staffers explained that, "His remark was not intended to be a factual statement, but rather to illustrate that Planned Parenthood, an organization that receives millions of dollars in taxpayer funding, does subsidize abortions."

Ah, I see. It wasn't intended as a factual statement. So no need for an apology.

In response to this bogus response to a bogus statement (which, of course, is now permanently part of the Congressional record), Stephen Colbert began incessantly tweeting things about Jon Kyl. He can say whatever he wants, as long as he follows it with the hash tag #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement. The idea caught on after he explained it on his show on Monday night, and since then there have been some clever contributions.

Some of my favorites from Colbert's writers:

Jon Kyl can unhinge his jaw like a python to swallow small rodents whole. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement

Jon Kyl murdered a caricaturist for drawing him with a basketball instead of a surfboard. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement

Jon Kyl is one of Gaddafi's sexy female ninja guards. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement

And the most fitting viewer contribution, given my recent break up:

Jon Kyl is anti-bacon. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement - Mathew Davoli

Anti-bacon? I guess that's something I (do not actually) have in common with Jon Kyl.

I wanted to make a contribution to the fun hash tagging, but how? I had no ideas. Then I remembered my friend Katie's T-shirt, which she wore last night in my honor:

At first, I thought it was a nice, supportive message. Then I realized that the man is in a bovine position, with dotted lines crisscrossing his body as if to indicate different cuts of meat. Katie (yes, the same Katie with the uncanny knowledge of bees) meant to say that she has love for vegans in the same way she has love for bacon.

And she does (not actually) have that in common with Senator Jon Kyl.

Breaking Up with Bacon

I spent this Saturday at the GOOD LA launch at the Atwater Crossing space in Los Angeles. It was a really fun scene, with local artisans selling crafty things, tons of food samples, free screen printing, artsy activities (like paper crane making), demonstrations, a $5 open bar, and free Grinberg Method massages.

I love booths and situations involving many of them, so my boyfriend Andrew and I spent a long time meandering among the various merchants. One whole end of the indoor space was dedicated to fancy food makers and most of them were providing samples.

My first reaction was one of excitement - I love samples. One time about a year ago, my mom and I went to the Whole Foods that had just opened near her home in Massachusetts (it's the biggest Whole Foods store in the country, no big deal). She was very proud of it, so we went there on an outing without needing to buy any groceries. I wouldn't have thought life could get any better than wandering around the biggest Whole Foods in the country, but it did: there were sample tables set up at the end of every aisle. We walked directly from one sample table to the next, trying everything. Without a cart or basket, we didn't even have the pretense of actually shopping. It was shameless and awesome.

So when I saw the sample tables set up at the GOOD LA launch, my heart swelled with happiness and my tummy swelled with the expectation of being filled with a mish-mash of things that no sane person would ever consume in the same sitting. But then I remembered that I am a vegan. I comforted myself with the thought that my veganism was helping me resist unhealthful temptations. That worked for a while... until I saw the bacon table.

Rashida Purifoy owns Cast Iron Gourmet, a company specializing in homemade bacon products. And there were samples. Samples of caramelized bacon chunks, bacon bourbon chutney, bacon mayo pimento cheese spread, and something Rashida called "couch mix," which consisted of dried fruit, nuts, chocolate, and bacon.

I knew denying bacon would be the hardest part of being a vegan. Even though I never used to purchase bacon to make at home, I would always order it any time I was at a restaurant that offered it. And I mean any time. For instance, a couple of years ago when my friend Perry was visiting me in LA, we went out for drinks at a bar called The Abbey. I didn't feel like drinking, so I ordered a plate of bacon. Look how happy I was about it:

Anyway, back at the GOOD LA launch, Andrew was enjoying samples of Rashida's bacon concoctions and not trying hard enough to mask his bacon-induced ecstasy.

Meanwhile, I was starving to death. I decided to go check out the food trucks parked outside. The only one that looked promising was Greenz on Wheelz. But despite its name, Greenz on Wheelz actually has very few vegan-friendly options. I went with what the guy taking my order suggested: the veggie melt with no cheese, served in a spinach wrap. I wasn't expecting much, but I was pleasantly surprised:

It was pretty yummy and it momentarily distracted me from my bacon cravings. But I couldn't help wistfully thinking, "This veggie wrap would be so much more delicious with bacon. Everything is better with bacon." Then I burst into tears. Just kidding. But I needed to take some action.

Did I mention the $5 open bar? It was calling my name. I had just encountered bacon for the first time after breaking up with it, and it was time to drown my sorrows. The bar offered all the usual drinks, but I ordered one off the special menu featuring drinks made with O.N.E. coconut water.

Who am I kidding? I tried one of each. And it worked. I didn't even think about bacon.

Tiggers Don't Like Honey.

"Well," said Pooh, "What I like best..." and then he had to stop and think. Because although eating honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called.

About once a week, my friend Erin has me and two of our other friends over so she can cook for us. She does this because she likes to cook, but also because she likes us. We hadn't gotten together since I decided to be a vegan, and I was a little nervous about how my food choices would affect the dinner and the mood of the group. I didn't want Erin to feel obligated to cook a vegan-friendly meal, but I also didn't want to make her feel awkward by not eating what she did cook.

As it turned out, Erin is an even better friend than I thought, and she prepared a yummy meal I could enjoy with everyone else. She made angel hair pasta with asparagus, two kinds of potatoes roasted with onions, and green beans, all cooked in black truffle oil.

Erin told me that during her extensive online research, she found some evidence that many vegans don't eat truffle oil, since truffles are sniffed out by pigs. I guess those vegans don't like the idea of eating food for whose production animals had to do any work. But that's a slippery slope: would those vegans be against animal labor in the harvesting of vegetables? It seems to me that pigs probably like sniffing out truffles - that's about as good as life gets for a pig.

Besides, black truffle oil is an aphrodisiac. Truffle-sniffing pigs know what's up.

Anyway, for an hors d'oeuvres, Erin had mixed up some olive oil with tomatoes, cucumbers, bulgur, parsley, and sweet onions, and we ate it wrapped in lettuce:

Here she is, being a skilled chef:

 And here's the main course:

 

But the existential crisis of the evening had to do with the alcoholic accompaniment to that delicious meal. Our friend Katie brought over some honey mead to share. Then she realized that, as a vegan, I was not going to drink her honey mead (despite the aphrodisiacal black truffle oil). So she launched into an explanation of why bees making honey is not the same at all as animals being tortured in factory farms. I was enthralled (and, frankly, shocked at the breadth of Katie's knowledge about bees). She argued that bees make honey whether we eat it or not, as an emergency backup plan in case they are ever in a situation without food. Sure, we steal their honey, but they're not injured in the process and they just make more. After all, according to Winnie the Pooh (who is the wisest animal I know):

"That buzzing noise means something.

If there's a buzzing noise, somebody's making a buzzing-noise, and the only reason for making a buzzing noise that I know of is because you're a bee...
And the only reason for being a bee that I know of is making honey...
And the only reason for making honey is so as I can eat it."

Of course, there are many arguments against the consumption of honey by vegans, too. Some of those arguments make sense, and some involve the idea of bee slaves. Definitions of exactly what veganism is vary (arguably by person), so it makes sense that there are conflicting stances on the honey issue.

I tried a sip of the honey mead, but I've decided to continue substituting agave syrup for honey whenever possible. There are lots of arguments for and against all aspects of veganism, and if I'm going to go vegan, I might as well go "whole hog," so to speak.

Otherwise everything will get too complicated. After all, Pooh also said, "It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like, 'What about lunch?'"

1981 Was a Great Year

My mom loves library sales. Especially the kind where you pay a few dollars for a big paper bag that you can fill up with as many books as you can carry home with you. She's a very thoughtful lady, so she always fills her bag with books (and VHS tapes) she thinks we'll be interested in. Recently, she gave me a book called The Los Angeles Times California Cookbook (of course, because I live in California), which she picked up at a library sale in my hometown in Massachusetts. The cookbook includes recipes that "illustrate the California style, with its outdoor life, accent on fitness and good nutrition, fresh garden produce, and tropical foods."

It was published in 1981.

As of last night, I had yet to crack open the Calfornia Cookbook, but - having identified myself as a California stereotype from 1981 - I felt obliged to check it out further. And it was time to get some inspiration about what to do with the rest of my pile of lentils. Yup, they were still in my fridge, despite my dedication to eating at least a serving of lentils per day for the past week or so. It was time to get rid of them once and for all.

So I decided to try to make lentil burgers. Here's the recipe from The Los Angeles Times California Cookbook:

2 cups cooked lentils
1 cup soft whole wheat bread crumbs
1/2 cup wheat germ
1/2 cup finely chopped onion
1 and 1/4 teaspoons salt
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
3 tablespoons oil

Mash lentils slightly. Stir in bread crumbs, wheat germ, onion, salt, eggs, and Worcestershire. Form into six 3 1/2 inch patties, using 1/2 cup lentil for each. Heat oil in large skillet. Cook patties until golden brown on both sides, about 5 minutes. Serve in whole wheat pita breads, if desired.

Well, there would be a few steps to veganizing this recipe. First of all, Worcestershire sauce has anchovies in it, so I can't eat that. I decided to substitute soy sauce because, well, it's soy. Second, the eggs! Eesh. I was skeptical of the powers of ground flax seed after getting macarooned the night before, but I didn't have another option. I decided to substitute flax seed for the wheat germ, too, since I just didn't have any wheat germ lying around.

Nor did I have any bread crumbs, but of course I had whole wheat bread (what else would I use to make my peanut butter toast every day?), so I just crumbled that up and called it breadcrumbs. After everything was mixed together, I packed it into little slider-sized patties (smaller than the recipe indicates) like this:

The good part about having the job of patty-packing was that my hands were covered in lentil goop, so I could ask Amy to do everything else that had to be done (mix up a yummy Tahini sauce, toast the pita pockets, wash the dishes, etc.). The little patties stuck together surprisingly well, because I made them more round than flat. Here they are sizzling up:

 And here's the final product, stuffed in a pita (pre-Tahini sauce):

This was the most successful vegan cooking night I've had so far. The lentil burgers are delicious (thanks, California Cookbook!) and as a plus, I got to use up the rest of those silly lentils.

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Macarooned!

I believe "macaroon" should be a verb. It's such a fun word! It could mean doing anything that has to do with coconut or any other kind of macaroon (if other kinds exist). But it sounds best when it implies some kind of duping.

For instance: last weekend at a party in Venice beach, I got macarooned. A woman was sitting at a little table with a plate of delicious-looking coconut macaroons on it. She was energetically (borderline maniacally) offering them to everyone who walked by, and I was no exception. Our conversation went like this:

Macaroon lady: "OMG these are the best macaroons ever! Try one!"
Me: "No, thanks. I'm a vegan so I'm not really eating any of these snacks."
Macaroon lady: "These macaroons are vegan."
Me: "Oh, you made them?"
Macaroon lady: "No, but I know about macaroons. All macaroons are vegan." (And her eyes said, "Duh.")
Me: "Really? In that case, I'll try one."

The lady was right - the macaroons were the best ever. But out of curiosity the next morning, I Googled macaroon recipes and discovered that macaroons are not, in fact, inherently vegan. In fact, most macaroon recipes call for egg whites and milk. I was macarooned!

I imagined shaking my fist in the air and yelling, "Macarooned!" It felt good.

Last night I decided to try to make my own macaroons, so I would know they were vegan. I started with this recipe from Savvy Vegetarian.

The problem was: math. I didn't have any Ener G-Egg Replacer, this nonsense ingredient that almost every recipe I try to make calls for. I wanted to use ground flax seed as an egg replacer instead. The recipe calls for 2 Tbsp Ener G-Egg stuff, and I know that 1 egg = 1/2 Tbsp. So the recipe calls for the equivalent of 4 eggs. Then I looked at my bag of ground flax seed and made the calculation based on 4 eggs... but I have a feeling I used too much flax seed/water mixture. Here's what the batter looked like:

The reason I think my math was off is because the macaroons took way too long to bake. The recipe said 20-25 minutes, but after 25 minutes they still looked exactly the same as when I put them in - not browned at all:

I waited a total of another 15 minutes (my oven is weak), and then just took them out, even though they still looked too moist, because I was bored of waiting for them. Here's what they looked like:

Well, they were cooked enough, I guess. They just aren't that good. It's not that they taste unpleasant, they're just not the right consistency nor are they sweet enough. My roommate Amy likes them, so she can eat them all as far as I'm concerned. This is a recipe in which a flax seed substitution does not work so well, unfortunately. Macarooned again!

OMG Thank you, Oprah! Thank you!!

I don't watch Oprah, but I got a heads up from my friends Nadia and Jenny who apparently do watch Oprah - sorry for outing you guys - that Oprah just did a whole special on veganism. She and a bunch of her staffers tried to eat only vegan-friendly foods for a week, and now her website is full of fun vegan information and videos, mostly having to do with a "veganist" named Kathy Freston.

In a behind-the-scenes style video on Oprah's website, Kathy offers easy ways to veganize your eating habits. First of all, thank you, Kathy, for explaining that the "ist" means someone who does.

I'm a musicologist. You're a veganist. Got it.

Kathy goes on, "Just like a violinist is someone who is very interested in the violin, I'm a veganist because I'm interested in all things vegan." Well, I would argue that a violinist is someone who plays the violin and, probably, plays the violin well. So I guess that's why Kathy Freston is a veganist and I am just a vegan; she's a professional violinist and I am the awkward kid who sat next to you in seventh-grade orchestra and tried really hard.

This isn't the first time Oprah has taken vegan advice from Kathy Freston. In 2008, she tried a 21-day cleanse. The diet was intense: not only was she eating like a vegan, but she also cut out caffeine, sugar, and (!) wine. The only situation in which I could pull off a cleanse like that would be during a month in which nobody expected me to do anything productive (no coffee) or to be pleasant, ever (no wine). But at least this cleanse seems way healthier than some other crazy-ass cleanses I've heard about people doing.

So Kathy Freston is kind of a mixed bag for me. She offers the following rather misleading advice: "Whatever I'm eating, I also have a big salad so it keeps me healthy." This is great news, because it means that, after mindlessly spooning peanut butter into my mouth for an hour while I watch TV from last night on Hulu, I can just also eat a salad and the whole situation will magically become healthy! I'm pumped.

On the other hand, she does have a good philosophy about not pushing her vegan habits or ideals on others: "I never impress my thinking on anyone else because it's not my business to tell someone how they should eat." And it's pretty cool how she's trying to make veganism mainstream. She's also been on Ellen DeGeneres's show, encouraging people to try being vegan for a week. She may come off as a little silly, but what she's doing is awesome.

But enough about Kathy. The most helpful tool on the website in my opinion is the Vegan Starter Kit. There is a Grocery List, a Three-Week Meal Plan, and a Simple Substitutions guide. The grocery list suggests cheese substitutes, but unfortunately, it doesn't offer an opinion on whether or not they are tasty. I have yet to try any vegan "cheese" because I'm afraid I'm still in love with my ex-lover, regular cheese, which is obviously better tasting. It might be too soon. But when the time comes, I now know to try Daiya, Soya Kaas, Sunergia Soyfoods, or Galaxy Nutritional Foods (which is carried at the Isla Vista Coop!).

Oprah's grocery list got me really excited to go shopping again. She recommends Amy's Kitchen brand frozen foods, and that reminded me that I have been meaning to pick some of those meals up. I can get vegannaise (yup, that word exists - vegan mayonnaise) from Follow Your Heart, and Kashi cereals to eat with my almond milk.

Aside from providing lots of shopping ideas, Oprah's grocery list also helped me realize that all vegan food companies sound like they should be the names of either a meditation retreat center or a kindergarten daycare. Tofutti Cuties, anyone?

Everything Delicious Bread

Last night I wanted to bake something sweet. Quite conveniently, I had some random fruit in my kitchen that was ripe and would go bad if I didn't eat it quickly. I had three bananas and a bunch of pineapple slices left over from the Über Smüthie, and a bag of shredded coconut from... I don't know why I had that bag of shredded coconut.

Just to check, I searched online for all those ingredients + the word "vegan." I actually found something! Somewhere in the world, another woman looked in the kitchen and discovered that she had exactly the same random ingredients to use... and she is a vegan. And she knows how to bake (obviously, if I were on my own here, I would have made a pineapple-banana-coconut salad). That woman is Joy the Baker, and she's not really a vegan (she says she likes bacon too much), but she provided me with this recipe: Coconut Pineapple Vegan Banana Bread.

I was into it. I also had some chocolate chips left over from my vegan chocolate chip cookies, so I decided to throw those into the mix. I happen to think that everything is better with chocolate chips. Except for pizza, maybe. And chicken. Luckily, I don't eat either of those things.

Here are the ingredients I was supposed to use:

2 large or 3 small very ripe bananas
1/4 cup crushed pineapple, drained
1/4 cup canola oil
1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons sugar
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup white whole wheat flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
generous pinch of ground ginger
pinch of allspice
1/2 cup sweetened shredded coconut

I had three (kind of ripe) bananas, big slices of pineapple that I figured I could "crush" with a fork myself, and all the other ingredients except for the allspice. I followed Joy the Baker's directions (and tossed some chocolate chips into the batter) and felt pretty satisfied with myself.

But after the bread had been in the oven for 15 minutes, I realized I had made a mistake. Since I didn't have any whole wheat flour, I had planned on using 2 cups of all-purpose flour... but I hadn't. I had totally forgotten about that modification. So I had only used 1 cup of flour, or half the required amount. Argh! There was nothing to be done.

I let it bake for 38 minutes, then opened the oven door, afraid of what I might find (I was picturing a hot, wet puddle of fruit).

But it was perfect - the lack of flour didn't ruin it after all! It just meant that the bread was super moist and more like a dessert than a breakfast. I shared it with Emily, Amy, and our friend Jim who (conveniently) showed up at our apartment for an unannounced visit seconds before the oven timer went off. Here's what the bread looked like right before I ate the first slice:

It is either Vegan Pineapple-Coconut-Banana-Chocolate Chip Bread (with not enough flour), or more simply: Everything Delicious Bread.